


From an empty seat A flash of light

by KidsToday



Series: Fall back into place [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Coulson/May is only implied, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, May has problems, Melinda May character study, Melinda and Phil are just stupid stups, Melinda may gives me a lot of feelings, Post-Bahrain (Agents of SHIELD), Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Pre-Bahrain (Agents of SHIELD)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 08:08:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6071584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KidsToday/pseuds/KidsToday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Melinda May before and after Bahrain.</p>
<p>Or, Phil Coulson is a good friend and Melinda hates it.<br/>She doesn't need him.<br/>She needs nobody.<br/>Melinda May deserves to be alone.</p>
<p>A look into pre-aos May + Philinda dynamics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From an empty seat A flash of light

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I shouldn't post this because I have a half finished chapter for my GoT story in my drafts that's so so long overdue but I just started re-watching all the first episodes of Agents of Shield again and god do these characters give me feels.  
> This will probably become a series because I have already more written and then I also have a whole Jemma character study planned/written in my head, so let me know if you like it.
> 
> Basically this is pure angst and feels because goddamnit do I love May.  
> Title is from "space song" from Beach House listen to it please.  
> Also, I stole a few lines from an Andrea Gibson poem tell me if you find them.

“You are terrifying  
and strange  
and beautiful,  
something not everyone  
knows how to love.“  
-Warsan Shire

-1-2-3-

Melinda May takes a mission in Bahrain.  
She feels calm.  
She meets Phil for drinks the night before her flight and when she sees him he smiles at her.  
That soft smile, the one reserved just for her, the one that tells her Phillip Coulson is not made for a life with Shield.  
(He is made for one that allows him a dog and a family and Friday game nights.)  
(All things you want for yourself as well, Melinda.)  
(No she doesn't.)  
(She can't.)  
(Not with him.)  
She smiles back and pretends she doesn't notice Andrew calling her to say goodbye.  
(to his wife.)  
(Shut up.)

-4-5-6-

She comes back and she knows.  
Her mind is dark, her thoughts feel too heavy, she can't live like this anymore.  
In her body, she means.  
She can't life in her body anymore.  
Andrew is always looking at her with so much sadness it makes her sick.  
“Talk to me Melinda.“ he says.  
What the hell did she think, marrying a shrink.  
She hides.  
No, not hiding. Protecting.  
She protects because they should have locked her up.  
It would be so much safer.  
She is a monster.  
Phil tries to treat her the same.  
But she can see it in his eyes, the pity, the worry, all the things she doesn't deserve.  
She hears the other Agents whisper about her. They start calling her the The Cavalry.  
It should hurt but all it does is fit like a glove.

She sits at the bar and tries to ignore that her Vodka tastes like nothing  
(she misses the burn.  
She misses a lot of things.)  
Phil sits down next to her, sipping a beer.  
He looks at her and she thinks she might be angry but she's only hollow.  
He has no right. They have only ever been friends and he has no right to look at her like this.  
Like she is one of his projects.  
You can't fix her, Phil Coulson.  
She won't let you.  
He takes her hand and she has never known a more stupid (brave) man.  
“You can't bury all those feelings, Mel.“  
His voice is soft and strong.  
She laughs, broken and cracked and freezing cold.  
Watch her.

 

(Andrew leaves a month later and she is relieved.  
He is such a good person, he deserves so much better than her.  
Phil is still there though, and she knows he is not going anywhere.  
She tries to hate him but all she achieves is something cold and uncaring akin to dislike.  
It feels a lot like loving him did.  
Not that she'd know.)

She starts calling him Coulson more.  
Just so he get's the hint.  
She doesn't need him.

She comes back and she knows. Melinda May is dead.  
All hail The Cavalry.

-7-8-9-

She takes a desk job.  
She works eight hours a day and is always home on time to watch the evening program.  
She starts liking Master Chef.  
Phil is busy enough with the avengers and 0-8-4´s to only call once a week.  
She always tells him the same.  
“I'm fine Coulson.“  
“Melinda...“  
“I swear I'm okay. I promise you, I'm healing.“  
She's not.  
Her chest is still a hollow cave and her eyes burn from all the reading she does and all the new recruits have never heard of Melinda May, world class Agent.  
They still whisper about The Cavalry though.  
Of course they do.  
She's a beast after all.  
Monster, she knows, is the more fitting term.

-10-11-12-

She has a routine again.  
It may be boring and stiff but it's closer to normal than anything she ever had and for her that sounds like a pretty great deal.  
She talks to her mom every Saturday while doing her laundry and it's good.  
Except for some times.  
“Qiaolian have you heard anything from that nice husband of yours?“  
“Ex-Husband and no.“  
“That's a shame, really. You two would have had the most gorgeous kids.“  
“Mother...“  
“I'm just saying.“  
“You always are.“

“Is that Phil boy still calling?“  
“No. No he is not.“  
“Mmh, that's good then.“  
Of course it is.  
Melinda is so glad.

-13-14-15-

Phil Coulson dies and she has never been this angry in all her life.  
That Bastard.  
There he goes, fucking it all up and saving the world on the way.  
Maria looks at her strangely the next day when she comes to work.  
“What?“  
“Maybe you should take a few days off Melinda.“  
She stares at the other woman.  
They don't get it, none of them do.  
She doesn't care about Phil Coulson and his stupid suits and his bald head or „receding hairline“ or whatever.  
She doesn't care that some Norse god put a fucking spear through his heart and she doesn't care that the Captain America trading card that took him years to get and that he just got signed is now bloodstained and worthless.  
She doesn't care because she is Melinda May and she is hollow and she is cold.  
She is The Cavalry. (She is a Monster.)  
She looks Maria Hill straight in the eyes and doesn't blink.  
“I don't see how that would be necessary.“  
If she puts some holes in a few files that day because she is gripping her pen too tightly she  
doesn't notice.  
That evening she watches a whole season of Master Chef.  
She doesn't care.  
Phillip Coulson has just been one of many Agents who lost their life in the line of duty.  
He was stupid.  
She knew from the beginning that he was not made for a life with Shield.  
(He was made for one that allows him a dog and a family and Friday game nights.)  
(A life she knows she will never have.)  
(He won't either, Melinda.)  
(Shut. Up.)

-16-17-18-

Fury calls her into his office.  
He sits behind his desk, tall and imposing and it's comforting only because it is so normal.  
“I'm not going back into the field, Sir.“  
are the first words out of her mouth because, really, what other reason would he have to call her.  
He raises his eyebrow.  
“I wasn't about to ask you to.“  
And now she is curious.  
“Sit down Melinda.“  
She does. She has always been good at following orders.  
Fury folds his hands together, leans forward a little and he is dead serious, she can tell.  
Something is going on and she is pretty sure she doesn't want to be part of it.  
“Have you ever heard of project T.A.H.I.T.I.?“  
And that is how it begins.

-19-20-21-

Phil Coulson is alive again and she has never cried so much in her life.  
She wishes Fury wouldn't have told her.  
Why did he tell her?  
Phil Coulson stopped being a part of her life a long time ago.  
Why can't anybody see that?  
It's the middle of the week and she calls her mother.  
“Qaiolian?“  
Her mothers voice is shrill, as shrill as her voice ever gets and Melinda feels bad.  
She is an Agent for a super secret Agency and her mother was CIA and they only ever talk on Saturdays and now she calls in the middle of the week.  
“Phil died.“  
Her mom sighs.  
“Oh Qaiolian.“  
“And now he is alive again.“  
“Oh Melinda...“  
“They forced him back, mom.“  
And then she sobs.  
“Oh my angel, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.“  
Her mothers voice is soothing and loving but it's not helping.

-22-23-24-

She sees him weeks later when they cross paths in the hallway.  
She doesn't try to smile.  
“How was Tahiti?“  
His eyes glaze over and she knows then that he will never be her old Phil again.  
“It's a magical place.“  
She turns around and walks away.  
She doesn't look back.

E n d o f p a r t 1

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr: clexalicious  
> IF YOU WANT TO SEND ME HEADCANONS AND IDEAS AND JUST RAMBLE ABOUT AOS I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!


End file.
